Hate Mail
by Lady-Umbreon
Summary: There are those times, you know... And those times CAN be funny, you just have to know where to look! This is a drabble fic for our beloved Commander Feral. I'll continue this as I get the inspiration!
1. Chapter 1

**Me: This is a drabble I did for fun, after the plot bunny bit me in the shower! TMI, I know, but it can be said that showers stimulate the mind to think of the most random things! ;) So, here's to humor, and Commander Feral! You know you love him, and all his absolute military craziness!**

**I don't own SWAT Kats... If I did, it wouldn't be incomplete. At least, I hope not!**

**XXX**

.

Hate Mail

.

After yet another embarrassing upstaging by the SWAT Kats, who took it upon themselves to make a mess of a new threatening mutant from Dr. Viper, Commander Feral was ready to call it a day with much gusto.

Following his usual routine, he picked up his mail, grabbed a 'dark-chocolate caramel' from his favorite coffee shop, and headed back to his apartment to crash.

Oh, how he needed this! A chance to just kick back and relax, after a week of nothing but complete chaos!

As he settled into his easy chair, he noticed one of the envelopes in his mail, was slightly thicker than the others. Deciding to open that one first, he slipped a claw between the crease, and cut through to the other end. Pulling out the single sheet of extra-thick paper he opened it to find a message that made him roll his eyes to the ceiling.

The message, made from meticulously glued letters and words on the note, read out like this:

'HEy, yOu loser CoP!

whY don't you LET the SWAT Kats JoIn the EnforCErs, or At lEAst take ovER!

You AND thOSE inCOmpeTENT LoSERs should sTep aSIDE for The real HEROES!

This wasn't the first letter like this he'd received, but the post office was usually good about blocking letters from unspecified or random Katizens, so why this had gotten through was a mystery.

Aside from that, an otherwise perfect hate letter was spoiled by the senders own 'incompetence'; the sender, one Hal Umbra of 1750 Tako(1) St, had failed to leave out his name and address. Of course, the possibility remained that this 'Hal' was an innocent Kat, and that the true sender was using a friend or simply someone he knew...

"Not like I care, but this 'Hal Umbra should be under watch for a while just in case." the Commander muttered irately

Not like it wasn't already a nasty week, without the addition of needless hate mail!

.

**XXX**

**Me: Tako means Octopus in Japanese, I had fun with that one. So what do you think of this tiny little thing? I could post more as they come to me. Or you could send a weird hate letter to Feral yourself-**

**Comdr. Feral: Don't start giving these malcontents any ideas!**

**Me: Sorry, Commander, but fun is fun. You ought to get out more...**

**Comdr. Feral: (Starts grumbling about, "Kids and their sassiness 'these days'!")**

**Me: Ri~ght, well... Review if you want. I know this isn't a particularly active section of fandom, but at least I contributed!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Me: Okay, here's the second drabble! I didn't promise anything, but that's what makes it interesting! It's thanks to ulyferal for the inspiration, so you deserve at least half the credit, even with the owners rights belonging to someone I don't know.**

**Me again: That was the disclaimer BTW... I don't own SWAT Kats, but if I did, I'd be trying to revive it! That show is an original, compared with most of the stuff being released as 'entertainment' today! Not that I want One Piece to stop... I like reading that serial.**

**Me one more time: So on with reading! And review at the end, if you so wish!**

**XXX**

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Bucket Project

.

Several younger Kats had been whispering when the Commander passed by lately, on the way to his office.

The most that he ever seemed to catch when they were particularly loud was: 'No, no!'; or 'We can't tell him!'; then 'What if he...', and the like. These little 'secrets that aren't completely secret', were starting to annoy Feral greatly, and he planned to put a stop to them that very afternoon! If nothing huge happened in Megakat city, like usual.

But the odd thing about these 'secrets' was, whenever Lt. Comdr Steele passed by, the Kats would either smirk or snicker. Naturally Steele, thinking that they were supporters for his promotion, would smile winningly and wave at them.

The moron... How did he even make it to the spot he currently occupied anyway? Every time he acknowledged them, they started laughing when he turned away!

The secret may be kept from Feral, but the joke's on Steele, whatever it _is_!

A lot of these 'supporters' seemed to be following Steele around too... If they weren't tailing the Commander that is.

Whenever Feral did something, they'd either write it down, or move away to write it. They seemed particularly interested in his schedule for restroom breaks. That, more than anything, left him p.o.'ed. When he wasn't roughing it on some mission with the other enforcers, Feral quite liked his privacy, thank you very much, and this was taking the whole 'tailing' business too far!

Amazingly, none of the omegas seemed interested in putting on a show today. So this was his chance to take care of the secretive nonsense.

His chance to straighten them out a bit, and get some much needed answers!

This was the chance to-- Get hit with a bucket of icy-cold water!?

"Oh, crap! That was the Commander!"

"Run away!"

"Stop right there, you Kats!" Feral shouted at the empty hallway

Clearly, they were very fast on their paws, or they'd be; doing the cleaning up, running laps around the entire city, and writing up their own behavior reports as well as a list of apologies.

At least, they'd be doing all that immediately, but Feral didn't get to be a Commander for nothing you know: He'd have those pranksters brought before his desk in less than an hour, if they hadn't left the building, and they'd explain why they were planning to dump a bucket of water on Steele.

For obviously, they had planned _that_ all along.

.

**XXX**

**Me: Woohoo! Here's to keeping things funny, and real! Kan'pai!**

**Comdr Feral: I don't see why you should celebrate my need to take my uniform into dry cleaning a few days early!**

**Me: You went off of your usual schedule. That's all there was to you getting hit, instead of Lt. Steele.**

**Comdr Feral: That's beside the point, and you're going to be taken in for questioning if you don't get your act together!**

**Me: Questioning? Why that? I don't get it...**

**Comdr Feral: Don't review! This little terrorist-in-training, is trying to turn my fur gray!**

**Me: Review please! ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Me: This one is a little elaborate for my usual attempt at funny... Meh, it's actually kinda mean, but I hope it gets even a sarcastic laugh from you readers. That or a true one. Either, or... You know, for humors sake.**

**And if I get a good review, maybe I'll come up with another one. But I was hoping for an idea from a reader, or two, to make some more good feelings around. It's a bit like a challenge actually. If I can make you laugh out loud with your own idea, I'm actually qualified to be called 'funny'!**

**Though, I also have no high expectations in that area. This _is_ a fandom that doesn't get as much attention/airtime, as it should, with the general public... But at least it has it's own wikipedia page!**

**Me: ****I don't own SWAT Kats... It is a sad sad thing, too... **I've fixed my boo-boos in the previous chappys, I hope! Well, it's not like the major mistake in the second one was an awful nightmare.

**Steele: Yes it was!**

**Me: Hey, is that Manx talking to Comdr Feral about your next promotion? (Points behind Steele)**

**Steele: Really!? (What do you think he did next?)**

**Steele: Me-ouch! Why'd you stomp on my tail!?**

**Me final: I thought it would make people laugh. (Shrugs) I know it would amuse _someone_...**

**XXX**

.

Subliminal Values

.

Sometimes, the way Mayor Manx would hint at 'honorary parades', would lead Commander Feral to believe that Manx just wanted someone to hint back that he deserved one himself. If only to provide him a reason to set Ms. Briggs to work on setting one up immediately after, and then to seal the deal, make a public announcement that it was on its way.

Yes, that and golfing as much a possible, seemed to be Manx' lifework. No wonder Deputy Mayor Briggs was the one who was really in charge!

Yet on this day, that happened to be the Commander's birthday, the Mayor had made a special effort, out of his busy golf schedule, to ask Feral if he wanted a parade in his honor... No. That was not something that Feral particularly desired. The thought was... Well, no, it was just awkward.

Over the phone, Comdr Feral had said to the Mayor, "No thank you. I've already got a full plate dealing with Megakat city's crime rate!"

And so saying, he'd hung up.

A bit later in his office, his Sergeant brought in a cupcake that had a candle perched on top from his niece, Felina. Though Feral himself didn't particularly like sweet things, he had to admit, this sweetness might not be so bad.

Right after his Sergeant placed it on the desk though, a sonic boom that could only come from the Turbo Kat, rent the air over Enforcer Headquarters. Turning to large windows behind his desk, Feral saw that the SWAT Kats had left a fading smoke message in the sky above his office that read:

Hey Feral, you're finally whole a year closer to retirement!

-Razor, and T-Bone

It was obvious that they were trying to embarrass him in a rude and flashy manner... Those damn SWAT Kats! But his Sergeant merely shrugged and said, "Well that's something! I didn't expect them to know when your birthday, of all things, was!"

"Except that I'm one of the most well known Kats in this city!" Comdr Feral was not pleased that his Sergeant was taking it so lightly, nor was he happy that the SWAT Kats had made a complete, and open, spectacle of it!

Comdr Feral's day couldn't get any more irritating... But then, there was always the possibility that an omega had seen the message and decided to give him the gift of a nauseating headache. That would be just beautiful, and so completely heartfelt!

Feral already felt ill.

Turning back to his desk, he decided to save the cupcake for later. Much later.

.

Later...

.

Amazingly, not one of the omegas had made a move. It was either just a bad time for them, or they were waiting 'til after every Katizen would be asleep, if only to reawaken them rudely to weaken morale... It would be just like Dark Kat, or even Dr. Viper, to pull something like that!

So when Feral was back at his apartment that evening, in his favorite easy chair, he settled in only reluctantly, to start going through the days mail. Then, an all too familiar name and address, was found in the small pile: Hal Umbra of Tako street strikes again!

Wary of what this particular message may contain, Feral hefted it first, to be sure that nothing about its weight was abnormal. Deciding it was as light as a letter should be, he checked to see that it didn't have any strange smells. Paper, and maybe the the sealing adhesive...

This was stupid! He, Commander Feral, was being paranoid about some, more than likely, prank letter! That was no way for a top enforcer to act!

Digging his claw into the crease of the envelope, he sliced it open and then, poof! The envelope,and most of it's contents, had exploded into a colorful burst of confetti! Fluttering down to the floor, was a little square note that had been inside.

Feral bent over to pick it up, and turned it so he could see the message written in cursive, on the other side:

_Dear Comdr Feral,_

_Another year older, but not, seemingly, any wiser. Don't worry, everyone knows you're just getting more senile anyways, so don't let this spoil your happy occasion! Rejoice, for we're one year closer to your eventual retirement!_

Unbelievable... Whoever this 'Hal' was, they sure didn't quit with the rude antics! They even wrote the same thing as the SWAT Kats, though this had to be mere coincidence.

"I'm definitely having you investigated tomorrow... And don't think I won't, 'Hal Umbra'!"

.

**XXX**

**Me: Yeah, not too funny this time around... But I can't bust peoples guts all the time, or they'd have no guts left to bust!**

**Comdr Feral: And where is the logic in that!?**

**Me: I dunno. But doesn't having the omegas acting like good little freaks for once, make a nice change?**

**Comdr Feral: Not if you like staying up all night, just expecting that call that never comes!**

**Me: Ooh, somebody's grumpy! You want a hug?**

**Comdr Feral: From you!? Never! You're getting taken in for questioning, right now!**

**Me: Eh? But this one was tame! And by-the-way, you'll never catch me! (Dashes off before Feral can react!)**

**Comdr Feral: Don't... Review... Ever!**

**Me: Review if you liked it anyway, please!**

**Comdr Feral: Where'd you come from!?**


End file.
